isolation vs. integration
There have been two suicides on the MSU campus in the past six weeks. I could rationalize that this isn't too far off the odds in a community of almost 15,000; maybe a little weird that the two statistical probabilities that could be expected over a year's time would come within a month of each other. Such are the anomolies of statistics--no big deal, statistically speaking; a very big deal in all other areas.
The administration hasn't tried to downplay these occurances by hiding them. Instead they've created a condolence page for expressing the emotions that surround the tragedy that suicide is for all concerned. Although the number of messages posted in this forum is smaller than those posted on the page for the three who died in last year's highway accident on the way to the automotive engineering competition, the need for processing the pain is as deep, and the suvivors' helplessness is as real.
But the issue isn't how friends and family members are dealing with their grief, as important as that is. The big red flag is the dispair that drives suicide in young adult males. Why should we just become skilled at handling/processing grief? (as valuable and important as that is in a world overflowing with loss). Instead, I'd like the young men who are in the high-risk category to know how normal it is to wait for their life's purpose and passion to gel into something that feels good. To know that it's pretty typical for them to desire intimate, meaningful and fulfilling relationships, but to experience a disconnecting frustration because their friendships are distant or shallow.
How do we teach a generation that has been raised in an instant gratification culture to value patience? I know I don't model it very well. I remember my friend Roger preaching a New Years Day sermon on the ten resolutions he knew he could keep. One of the ten was that he resolved to speed only when he was in a hurry. The urge to get there fast is killing our sons.
If our 20-something male who's the likely suicide perpetrator can't be with the pin-up girl he's fantasizing about, or if he can't afford the hot car he's lusting for, or if he can't have the money, sex or power he's obsessing over, he's at risk for numbing his strong desires with one narcotic or another. And the easy availability for one of these many appealing "solutions" makes it all the harder to submit to the discipline of waiting.
I believe the antidote to impatience is intimacy. There is a relationship that answers the young man's strong desire, but maybe not the one he's seeking. That's what parents or older friends are for: to reframe questions with answers that really get to the issue. Sex is great in marriage, but let's turn our eyes away from the addictive drug of porn--an imitation of the pleasure of physical intimacy. Instead, young men struggling through this place of frustration can find relief with a set of relationships. It takes more than one, but if the optimal pair or trio isn't available, one might be the life-saver.
One of these relationships is with a small group of men who are committed to relational purity. We're pack animals, we humans. When we're in community, we fulfill our need for social affiliation and fellowship. It's basic; it's good. Mostly.
Sometimes, of course, we get into relationships with people who are either lost/directionless or manipulators. Neither of these lead to health and wholeness. Take the test and protect yourself if the group doesn't pass.
Another relationship is with one other safe, wise, available male friend or mentor. In this friendship, the young man can explore his hopes, fears and urges. The older man can reflect and redefine the meanings and implications that the young man's life might express.
Yet another relationship is with a larger body of like-minded believers. When we're part of small groups and one-on-ones, we can still get skewed in our thinking if we're not careful. Becoming part of a larger movement is an important way to find our call in life: we're all unique, and the other, more intimate relationships might not give us all the options we need to find our place.
Before any meaningful transactions can be processed in these relationships, the relationships need to exist. Men need to get out of our all-too-familiar isolation. If we don't, we're likely to disintegrate, like the young men who just ended their lives.
The administration hasn't tried to downplay these occurances by hiding them. Instead they've created a condolence page for expressing the emotions that surround the tragedy that suicide is for all concerned. Although the number of messages posted in this forum is smaller than those posted on the page for the three who died in last year's highway accident on the way to the automotive engineering competition, the need for processing the pain is as deep, and the suvivors' helplessness is as real.
But the issue isn't how friends and family members are dealing with their grief, as important as that is. The big red flag is the dispair that drives suicide in young adult males. Why should we just become skilled at handling/processing grief? (as valuable and important as that is in a world overflowing with loss). Instead, I'd like the young men who are in the high-risk category to know how normal it is to wait for their life's purpose and passion to gel into something that feels good. To know that it's pretty typical for them to desire intimate, meaningful and fulfilling relationships, but to experience a disconnecting frustration because their friendships are distant or shallow.
How do we teach a generation that has been raised in an instant gratification culture to value patience? I know I don't model it very well. I remember my friend Roger preaching a New Years Day sermon on the ten resolutions he knew he could keep. One of the ten was that he resolved to speed only when he was in a hurry. The urge to get there fast is killing our sons.
If our 20-something male who's the likely suicide perpetrator can't be with the pin-up girl he's fantasizing about, or if he can't afford the hot car he's lusting for, or if he can't have the money, sex or power he's obsessing over, he's at risk for numbing his strong desires with one narcotic or another. And the easy availability for one of these many appealing "solutions" makes it all the harder to submit to the discipline of waiting.
I believe the antidote to impatience is intimacy. There is a relationship that answers the young man's strong desire, but maybe not the one he's seeking. That's what parents or older friends are for: to reframe questions with answers that really get to the issue. Sex is great in marriage, but let's turn our eyes away from the addictive drug of porn--an imitation of the pleasure of physical intimacy. Instead, young men struggling through this place of frustration can find relief with a set of relationships. It takes more than one, but if the optimal pair or trio isn't available, one might be the life-saver.
One of these relationships is with a small group of men who are committed to relational purity. We're pack animals, we humans. When we're in community, we fulfill our need for social affiliation and fellowship. It's basic; it's good. Mostly.
Sometimes, of course, we get into relationships with people who are either lost/directionless or manipulators. Neither of these lead to health and wholeness. Take the test and protect yourself if the group doesn't pass.
Another relationship is with one other safe, wise, available male friend or mentor. In this friendship, the young man can explore his hopes, fears and urges. The older man can reflect and redefine the meanings and implications that the young man's life might express.
Yet another relationship is with a larger body of like-minded believers. When we're part of small groups and one-on-ones, we can still get skewed in our thinking if we're not careful. Becoming part of a larger movement is an important way to find our call in life: we're all unique, and the other, more intimate relationships might not give us all the options we need to find our place.
Before any meaningful transactions can be processed in these relationships, the relationships need to exist. Men need to get out of our all-too-familiar isolation. If we don't, we're likely to disintegrate, like the young men who just ended their lives.
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